Working Progress - Unpacking Myself

Ï cannot get this song out of my head "On Christ the solid rock I stand , all other ground is sinking sand ". I doubt its the melodies and more of the lyrical depth in scripture . I'm about to get deep , lets dive in , shall we ?

I feel like I am starting to "settle-in"  at my 20's, by that I mean there such an awareness around myself. I am experiencing myself in a way I have never before.  I have to admit that I sort of struggled sharing this, but oh well it's some minutes to 2.00 am and you only have such moments once.  I feel like I am giving out my pieces too soon, but I guess in life we give to give more room to more.

Every time Jesus withdrew himself it was because he was seeking who He was in the father.  Hanging with the disciples and the crowd was okay but they withdrew and he needed to recharge.  He needed deposits that could validate the true essence of who he was. He needed to plug to a source that people would tap into ! 

I honestly cannot articulate my current tone of emotions.  I feel like I am in a bubble to do more, but yet alone in bid to seek out clarity from God.  I am asking questions like "Who I am I when the doors are shut, when the room is empty with expectations and the curtains of opinions are closed out. 

Psalm 139 , means a great deal to me .  It's starting to get to me that I am not just a person that I am The person.  I know we have been told that we are here for a reason, and we are purposeful.  Honestly, you need to hear that from your core being, it’s not just a statement it’s a confirmation. You are not a prove of concept, you are the main DEAL.

Mediating on the Psalm is allowing me to see myself better, and the value of others.  It's allowing me to heal, release and move on.  It's giving me the breaks that allow me understand that I have one audience, God.  It's challenging me to seek out the very best laid out for me and be bold about my convictions and passions. 

 Like for instance it has come to my attention that as I am not in a hurry to get married. I am avoiding toxic relationships or being a slave of opinions ( even of my own ). This journey has less to do with others and more to do with myself . I am the carrier of my own rainbow and I am happy to share. 

 Not that I don't want to get married, let me explain this part to my mom and my curious kin members.  I am not willing to chase, or run after! For me it’s less of the speed and more of the security .Essentially, there is no amount of external pressure that will make me trade for God's will and my happiness. 

On that note, I have noted my route to self -awareness has an active -internal glow.  You know how you get so secure with what God is doing in your life that you simply want people to be happy?  I am slowly getting there .Even when it means you are no longer there to witness ,participate, or cheer-lead in people’s successes , I am in that space.  Its a process , I'm getting there .

I am also learning that the end to something is a start to something beautiful. End of caterpillar means a new reign for the butterfly. Not all is lost! I have searched and swayed, but the beauty is in the lessons.  I have cried and laughed in equal measures but both have given me the pleasure to express my deep fears, beliefs, faith and love. 

I am at a place where trees swaying, babies laughing ,the sound rain make me believe that life is gift from God. It's the simply things that give pleasure and contain the true measure of  peace. I am trying to hard not to be poetic, but realistic .

Peace is everything, but sometimes it comes with pieces that expose your vulnerabilities and scars but that is how it is birthed.

 I am starting to see why God is pleased by faith, because it means being oblivious of the known.  It means laying down every triumph, every significance and saying “Lord if it is you, bid me to come “.

I am learning to focus on what's important, to savor the moments as they come.  Yes, it was a Red sea but it did not part until Moses did something.  Sometimes you don't have to part a sea, maybe you need to get on the boat to the other side.  Then there are storms! Boy, they will terrify you, but he said He will see you on the other side, so rock that boat.  He is with you.

Do I hear God?  Sometimes I confuse his voice to that of Eli.  I consult men, I ask men for directions. They don’t have the solutions I so search, they too like me are on a learning curve. I cannot hold anyone for my mistakes or misses , we are all trying this thing out .

But He never stops calling, eventually he has a way of leading me to himself.  I am learning to trust the process that leads to the promise.

Finally, my mistakes, my transgressions and failings. I lay them at the cross.  I am not perfect. His mercies are new every morning.  I know that he orders my steps, Jesus has got me.  Even when the enemy tries to thirst trap me, He quenched me with his blood. 

As I said, I know not this place.  I feel like Jacob after the wrestle match with the angel.  My walk is a bit different.  My priorities are changing, my lessons are improving because of my desire to learn.   The noises are fading, the walk is less crowded, too quiet yet I can sing Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine !

I am holding on to his promises, I need his promises. They motivate me to give myself a way to him even more . To know that he covers me , he provides , he shields and above all he Loves me  . 

Xoxo Bellz